English Humour

Never Mind 坐到了后坐上

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, even the brake pedal!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time "Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

一个醉汉打电话给警察局，报告小偷光顾了他的车，“他们偷走了仪表盘、方向盘，甚至连刹车脚板都偷走了。”

然而在警察还没有开始调查时，电话又一次响了起来，“没事了”，醉汉打着嗝说，“我不小心坐到了后坐上。”

The Looney Bin 疯人院

Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院)one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"

疯人院

一天晚上，在疯人院里，一个病人说：“我是拿破仑!”另一个说：“你怎么知道?”

第一个人说：“上帝对我说的!”

一会儿，一个声音从另一个房间传来：“我没说!”

Class, Lass and Ass

Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day,so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow.

A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the c in the word class. The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the c erased--calmly walked up and erased the l in lass, looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.

班级、情人和蠢驴

汤姆教授打算第二天与他的学生见面，因此他在黑板上写道：“汤姆教授明天将和大家见面”。

一位学生看到这条通知后，觉得展示自己幽默感的机会来了，就走上前，将“class”中的“c”擦掉，将意思变为“汤姆教授明天将和情妇见面”。教授听到笑声，转过身走回来，看了看那位学生，又看看被改动过的通知，不动声色地走上前，把“lass”中的“l”擦掉，将意思改为“汤姆教授明天将和蠢驴见面”。看了看那位目瞪口呆的学生，教授扬长而去。

The Same Duties

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

相同的职责

一个退休的四星级将军在曼哈顿的一个酒吧偶然地遇到了他以前的勤务兵，勤务兵也退休在家。这位将军花了一整个晚上的时间来说服他回来做他的贴身随从。“你的职责与在军队时完全一样，”将军说，“这没什么，你很快就会再次理解它的。”

第二天早晨八点钟时，前勤务兵迅速地进到前将军的卧室，拉开窗帘，轻轻地摇了摇将军，然后大步走到床的另一侧，在他雇主的妻子屁股上拍了一下，说道：“好了，甜心，你该回到村庄去了。”

Keep feeding him nickels

A mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside.

"Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do? "

Yelled back the father,"Keep feeding him nickels!"

再喂他几枚五分镍币

母亲见三岁的儿子将一枚五分镍币放进嘴里吞了下去，她立刻将他抱起，头朝下不停地拍打他的后背，他咳出了两枚一角的硬币，她发狂似的朝正在外面的孩子父亲喊道：

“你儿子刚才吞下了一枚五分镍币，可咳出两枚一角的硬币!我该怎么办呢?”

孩子他爸大声回答道：“再喂他几枚镍币!”

How do I get the gum out?

Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?

怎么把口香糖取出来呢

当空中小姐给乘客们发口香糖的时候，她解释说口香糖有助于他们防止耳鸣。飞机着陆后，一位乘客跑到这位空中小姐面前，说道：“ 我马上就要见到我妻子了。我怎么才能把口香糖从耳朵里面取出来呢?”

What a big deal

A young businessman had just started his business, and rented a beautiful office. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and pretended that he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor. "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone."

我是来装电话的

一个年轻人刚刚开始做生意，就租了一个漂亮的办公室。一天，他坐在办公室里，看到有一个人在外面，于是他就装作生意很忙的样子，拿起电话胡吹乱侃，还不停的甩出几个大数字，好像在谈一笔大买卖。

到了最后，他终于挂了电话，问来访的人，“有事儿嘛?”那个人回答，“我是来给你安装电话的。”

Three Men in a Boat

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.

A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.

"Oh yes, " he said. "They are my friends.

"In that case, " warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"

"Yes, sir, " the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.

三人同舟

三位男子在公园的长椅上坐着。中间的一个在读报纸，另外两个在假装钓鱼。他们给想象的鱼钩上鱼饵，放线，并卷线把鱼抓上来。

一位过路警察驻足观察了这个景象，他问中间的那个男子是否认识其他两位。

“喔，认识，”他说，“他们是我的朋友。”

“那样的话，”警察告诫说，“你最好把他们从这里弄走。”

“好的，警官。”那男子回答说，接着就开始疯狂般地做起划桨的动作来。

A Blind Beggar

There was a blind beggar wearing sunglasses and asking for money.

A drunk man walked by, thinking the beggar was pitiful, threw him a hundred dollars.

After walking a few steps, the drunkard turned around to see the blind man holding the money up to the sunlight to check if it was genuine.

The drunk man, feeling cheated, ran back and snatched the money back, “You’re gonna die! How dare you cheat me…”

The blind man, not wanting to feel like a cheater, retorted, “Hey man, I’m sorry,

I’m just here to replace my friend who really is blind. He went to the bathroom, and should be right back… Actually… I’m mute.”

“Oh, oh, in that case...” whereupon the drunk threw the money back and stumbled away.

醉汉和盲人乞丐

在路边一个盲人乞丐戴着墨镜在街上行乞。一个醉汉走过来，觉得他可怜，就扔了一百元给他。

走了一段路，醉汉一回头，恰好看见那个盲人正对着太阳分辨那张百元大抄的真假。

醉汉过来一把夺回钱道：“你不想活了，竟敢骗老子!”

盲人乞丐一脸委屈说：“大哥，真对不起啊，我是替一个朋友在这看一下，他是个瞎子，去上厕所了，其实我是个哑巴。”

“哦，是这样子啊!”于是醉汉扔下钱， 又摇摇晃晃地走了……

Rain stopped play

Teacher had set his class an essay "A Game of Cricket". After two minutes Simon Stee handed his paper in and was allowed to go home. His essay read: "Rain stopped play"..

老师给学生出了作文题：“一场板球赛”。两分钟后，西蒙·斯蒂尔交了作文，老师允许他回家了，他在作文上写道：“下雨，比赛中止。”

Columbus' telephone number哥伦布的电话号码

Little Mary: I find in my history book there is always such number (1451-1560) after the name Christopher Columbus. Would you please explain why, sir?

Little Rose: I can tell her, sir. It was Columbus' telephone number!

小玛丽：我在历史书中发现，克里斯托弗·哥伦布这个名字后面老是有(1451-1560)这几个数字。老师，请您给解释一下好吗?

小罗斯：老师，我能告诉她。那是哥伦布的电话号码!

Whose Fault谁的错

Teacher: Betty, you made so many mistakes in your exercises, surely your mother will blame you!

Betty: Blame me? Oh, no. On the contrary, I'll blame her, because it was she that did my homework instead.

老师：贝蒂，你作业中出了这么多错，你妈妈一定会责怪你的!

贝蒂：责怪我?啊，不会的。正相反，我倒要怪她呢，是她替我做的作业。

Two Birds 两只鸟

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, and the other is a sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out, but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

老师：这儿有两只鸟，一只是燕子，另一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀呢?学生：我指不出来，但我知道答案。

老师：请说说看。

学生：燕子旁边的是麻雀，麻雀旁边的是燕子。

It’s Not My Fault 这不是我的过错

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself, Victor? You're the worst pupil in your class." Said the father.

"What's that got to do with me? Is it my fault that the worst one was yesterday transferred to another school?" was the answer.

“维克多，你是班里最差的学生。你不觉得害臊吗?”爸爸说。

“这能怨我吗?谁让昨天最差的一个转到另一所学校去了呢?”维克多回答。

The Result of Laziness 懒惰的结果

Mother: Why were you kept after school today, Johnny?

Johnny: Teacher told us to write an essay on "The Result of Laziness", and I turned in a blank sheet of paper.

妈妈：约翰尼，你今天放学以后为什么被留下了?

约翰尼：老师叫我们写一篇题为“懒惰的结果”的作文，我交了一张白卷。